So, Last week my piano teacher plants a seed in my imagination. I was telling her of a friend of mine who was in a hole in life, and she said to me: "Maybe you're the person that will change their life. Maybe you will be the name they use like a magic wand when they say "if it hadn't been for___ I wouldn't be where I am today." Maybe you can make a difference in this person's life." And now I think...What if? This year has so far gone by without me taking any action of my own. Me. Myself. Who I am. I have not been in control of my life. I have followed, blindly, my friends and other people; what they say is cool and will help me to feel better or get what I want. And so on, and so on.
This is my life dammit!
I can change. I can be the leader of this revolution. I can be the strong one and say "No! I know a better way. This is what I will to do." They may even follow me. Imagine that! They could be happier and go further in their lives because I stood up and took control; took control of my own life and actions and showed them a better way to live. Oh! The possibilities.
So, that would be why I'm sitting on my ass playing Hoyle board games and listening to music illegally copied from a library CD.
Yea me.

It's alive again!

Happy Memorial Day everyone!

The bonfire last night was nice. Thanks to my bro for the ambition, thanks to Cassie for coming to be my best friend, thanks to Pendelton for being there and helping us piss off Michael. That was something that was fun-but I don't think I want to do it again.

I am having a hard time dealing with Nate's girlfriend. Not her in particular, but the fact that he has one. Cassie promised she would be single and that lasted all of four months. Peter always has a girl on the waiting list to be his girlfriend. Michael is only after one thing it seems. Pendelton is in love with Cassie, even though he will never have her. Nate has aparently gotten over Rachel enough to go out with another 40 pound slab of jailbait. I really don't know if I want a significant other. Someone to walk up to the bonfire with. A cardboard Captain Jack Sparrow-you know the ones that are set up at Spencer's and stuff-I think that would be perfect. I don't really want to have a boyfriend-and that's the wrong reason to 'get' one anyways-I just want everyone else to be single. It just isn't right. Can't we all just be kids again and all have a good time without worrying about getting to close to someone because so-and-so might beat you up? Can't we all just hug everyone when they leave without wondering if they are thinking about your chest while they are doing so? Damn, we need a friendship revelution. Everyone, do the world a favor; I hereby proclaim June first "I'm Single Day." You all have to be single, even if you're not.

JUST KIDDING ABOUT THE CIGARETTE!

Well, hello out there to everone!
I am a much happier person today. I am looking at getting a new (previously obsessed over) car. Which shouldn't make me happy because I'll be getting rid of my baby, but I'll get another one someday.
I am at Rochester College with my Mom, which shouldn't make me happy, except that I love colleges and Rochester and shopping, which I have done.
My Mom is trying to set me up with a "nice guy." Thanks Mom. (Blahh!) Someone else might think I want to go out with him, but that is not true. The fact is, I am not going out with anyone for a very long time. Especially Michael.
Tonight is coconut shrimp and peanut chicken night for Pendelton and Cassie and maybe Crackers. I love to cook. And I love to drive. And I love to spend money.
This year continues to be not a good one, hence the questioning by the police and the rumors told about me and my ex trying to ruin my life. And me being very agreeable and ruining it as well.
Yay me.
I need a cigarette.

Everclear: Learning How to Smile

Five miles outside of vegas when we broke down
Threw my keys inside the window and we never looked back
Got all drunk and sloppy on a greyhound bus
We passed out, all them losers they were laughing at us
I will never let them break your heart
No I will never let them break me
We got lost in phoenix, seemed like such a long time
Seven months of livin swimming on those thin white lines
Did some time for sellin acid to the wrong guy
Life just keeps on gettin smaller and we never ask why
Why there is no perfect place, yes I know this is true
Im just learning how to smile
Thats not easy to do
I know there will come a day
When we can leave and just go runnin away
We was broke outside of philly when the storms came
I was working in new jersey, hitchin rides in the rain
You was happy talkin dirty at that phone sex place
Life just keeps on gettin weirder for us every day
You say there is no perfect place, I say I know this is true
We are just learning how to smile
Thats not easy to do
We both live for the day
When we can run away
Oh baby we can leave and run away
Yes we can leave this place and run away
We can leave it all behind like we do every time
Yes we both live for the day
When we can leave and just go runnin away
No I will never let it break your heart
No I will never let it break me
Five miles outside of vegas, five years down the line
We got married in the desert and the sunshine
I cant handle how the hell it happens every day
When you smile and touch my face
You make it all just go away
Yes I know there aint no finish line, I know this never ends
But Im just learning how to fall, climb back up again
I know there is nothing perfect, I know there is nothing new
We are just learning how to live together, me and you
You know I live for the day
When you say baby lets just run away
Oh baby we can leave and run away
Yes we can leave this place and run away
Baby we can leave and run away
We can leave this place and run away

For all of you who read my last entry, I'm not talking about a human child. I should be thankfull that I do not have that complication in my life. No, my baby is my car. It is sad to me that she is falling apart, but it probably means nothing to the general public. Sorry to mislead you.

My baby is dying.

If I stopped loving people, would they stop hurting me? If I just didn't give a fuck anymore. If I could somehow see how hurting me is so much fun, or how it can be so easy. If I hurt everyone back, would I feel better? I've decided that I will stop getting attached to people. It hurts a lot less when they die or change. But that's selfish, because I'm sure I've changed too, and no one can help change. It is also selfish to think that I am the only one who gets hit with shit. I think I would do very well with out 'friends.' I really think I am not the kind of person who needs people. I spent most of my life without friends anyway. If I kept everything inside, would it just go away? I can't tell my friends anyway. To do that I must first trust them and feel like they will care and understand and listen and not smear my blood all over my white face. This is what happens when someone you trust the most breaks that trust. You never want to trust again. I am afraid. This is what happens when someone you love the most, or everyone you love the most, rejects you. Your love is wasted and I don't want to give it away again. I'm scared. Can't you hear me? Is this the voice of everyone? Am I no different than every Hollywood starlet, every Beecher boy, every convicted murderer, every peace protester and soldier, every grey old lady who prays for the poor souls in purgatory, every angel? Am I being selfish to ask for what I can't truly deserve? Am I hurting everyone else in the process of being selfish? If so, hurting others is surely not enjoyable. Please tell me who I can be mad at. Please tell me who I can talk to. Please tell me who I can trust. Please tell me who I can love. Please tell me I can love. Please. Please.

Dr. Dre/Eminem: Forgot About Dre
...so fuck ya'll, all ya'll. If ya'll don't like me, blow me...

Hi all. Whazzup? Remember when that whole "what's up" thing was so huge? I really find it annoying now, but I still find myself saying it. Has anybody ever heard the word "famed" before? I swear It's a word, but my english teacher was confused. Poor Wendy. I'll miss her. She was so....peppy. School is over until August now for me. Welcome summer. Summer of work and spending money and riding around in my car with the sunroof open and the heartbeat of my soul pounding through my head. And reading too. Ishmael by Daniel Quinn is on my list next. Oh, yeah, I went to Virginia! It's so freaking weird on base, like another world, a micro-world that's made to look real, but just doesn't quite cut it. I feel sorry for you Nate honey. Did you tell drill sergeant whatshisname that I want his car? I wouldn't be able to give up my baby though. That reminds me that I need to make the list of fifteen cars that I'm going to have when I'm a big rock star. (stop laughing damit!) What the hell is on Peanut's butt that would label me a potential terroist? Sorry: inside joke. Speaking of inside- ok this NOT what I was thinking- a certain person thinks I screwed another certain person which only says that the first certain person does not know me that well and if he thinks that he is getting some ass too he is totally wrong because I just don't do that. Got it? I thought it was hilarious. We should spread rumors about people more often, cause it confuses people and then they flip out and you can be all "oops. joke. got it? funny. laugh!" Dert-d-dir! I gotta go. I'm making coconut shrimp for dinner tonight. If the guys don't like it, too bad. More for me and Moma. When I move out I will make shrimp and chicken and quiche and spicy chipotle brownies and peanut chicken and pesto pasta salad. Mmmmmm! I want a bright kitchen with a lot of counter space and French doors that open onto a deck. Maybe not the deck. Funny thing is, I would be a first class domestic goddess. I could do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, decorating, gardening, maybe even the sewing. But I really don't think that that is the life I'll want in the end. I'm not ready to stop being an intellectual and influential human being, and I haven't even really started. I want to go through veterinary school and then work for a drug giant and find a vaccine for stupidity. (Foolish dreams) I wish I could take the easy road because it would be...well...easy. I could make some guy really happy. But I'm just selfish like that and I don't want to be boring. I guess I'd better stop ordering boring as hell salads then... See you in Sa-na-ta-An-na. How.

Bleeding
Each drip a word,
Previously undiscovered.
This is my blood,
Poured out on this page.
Brilliant red and
Useless to you.
Touch it while it is wet and
It will conform to your fingerprint.
Soon it will clot and
Be a blob of nothingness.
Repulsive and shapeless.
This is my blood,
Poured out on this page for
All to see.

More true

Sometimes it takes a sunburn
for us to realize that the sun has shone on us.
Sometimes it takes a broken heart
for us to realize that we had loved that much.

My Poor Baby's Cousins

Mortality Tables
new 5/13/03
Today I got two letters asking if cam failure is inevitable or abuse/neglect related. I would remind all owners that this is a design defect which has so far effected each and every year and in very large numbers.
Based on rather sophisticated modeling our best estimate is that by the end of 2002 about 77% of V8SHOs have experienced cam failure. By the end of 2003 we project 86% of V8SHOs will experience cam failure. This is a confirmation of my worst fears based on the recent sudden drop of reported failures. When do Sharks Quit Eating?
Our reports are that Ford has been out of engines since last summer, We have also received a lot of reports of folks getting stiffed by Ford even if they have a warranty. What We Know, What Ford Does Not Want You to Know, & Who Is To Blame.
We once thought that an owner should experience a ticking noise for a month or 1,000 miles before a cam lets go. We since learned not to rely on that. We then assumed that every cam failure is at least preceded by some audible warning, That is not the case:
"BTW, for those SHO owners delaying the weld, please consider this. The sprocket on my back exhaust was loose and had moved about 1/8 inch. Absolutely no noise yet. I'm a very lucky guy and I truly do appreciate that fact. " - FPS Cam Weld Experience
We know that about 1,000 V8SHOs have welded cams which should never fail as long as the valves don't stick. We now know that about 21,000 V8SHOs were made. What we don't know is what percent of the V8SHOs with cam failures are repaired and back on the road. Certainly an owner is more likely to repair an engine when the book value was $20,000 than when it is $6,000 or less. Based on informal estimates I suspect only 50% - 25% of recent cam failures are quickly repaired.
If we do prevail in our class action lawsuit it may be in 2007 or later? How many owners will then take that compensation and revive a SHO that has been parked for 4-6 years? We know this, the vast majority of V8SHOs with stock cams have failed or will fail soon to the complete indifference of Ford. Reptiles and ants make better parents. If you have a V8SHO and the cams have not yet failed I can tell you of the guy I know with 190,000 miles before he got the ticking noise. But I could also tell you of 3 cam failures before 25,000 miles and that the average cam failure occurs at 75,000 and that we think about 82% have failed so far. (not that there was ever an aftermarket market for our cars). The target market for new V8 SHOs was 55 years old, now tell me 82% of near retirement owners abuse their cars?
Soon and very soon there will only be those who welded or pined their cams or the very rare exception. Hey maybe you are that lucky? I doubt it, and I am sick because soon our car will all but cease to exist. And Ford never cared, they knew and let it happen.
If you have a V8 SHO, weld it or you will soon lose it. It is that simple. See Folks Who Will Weld Your Cams. One can prevent failure at much less cost and trouble than repair or replace an engine. If you lose an engine and even if you one day get reimbursed by Ford it will never bring back the buffalo.
You need to do the 100k PM anyway, fix the burned rear main wiring harness and clean the butterflies anyway. Why not do it early and save your car too?
See Consensus Recommendation
Sorry to be the one sharing bad news,
Buford

Easter

Ok, honestly, what is Easter to you? Would you rather be celabrating; God in human form who has defeated natural laws of life and death, or a fuzzy bunny? I'll pick the first, thank-you very much. I finally cleaned my (Nate's) car yesterday! I only did the interior, but I finally got the coffee off of the steering column. You know, the stuff that's been there since November. I even, maybe, got a little sun. I know it's not good for my skin, but I didn't get pink and it does a hell of a lot of good for my insides. I love the sun! Happy Easter! He is risen! Alleluia! (ok, enough exclamation points) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (sorry)

3 Doors Down: Kryptonite

I took a walk around the world
To ease my troubled mind
I left my body laying somewhere
In the sands of time
But I watched the world float
To the dark side of the moon

I feel there is nothing I can do, yeah

I watched the world float
To the dark side of the moon
After all I knew it had to be
Something to do with you
I really don’t mind what happens now and then
As long as you’ll be my friend at the end

If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I’m alive and well, will you be
There a-holding my hand
I’ll keep you by my side
With my superhuman might
Kryptonite

You called me strong, you called me weak,
But still your secrets I will keep
You took for granted all the times
I never let you down
You stumbled in and bumped your head,
If not for me then you'd be dead
I picked you up and put you back
On solid ground

If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I’m alive and well,
Will you be there a-holding my hand
I’ll keep you by my side
With my superhuman might
Kryptonite
Yeah!!

If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I’m alive and well, will you be there
Holding my hand
I’ll keep you by my side
With my superhuman might
Kryptonite

If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I'm alive and well,
Will you be there a-holding my hand
I'll keep you by my side
With my superhuman might
Kryptonite
Yeah!!

I think of Nate everytime I hear this (and yes, you are still Superman.)

Growing Apart

You see, there once were two little girls,
And these girls were very much the same,
And they became the best of friends.

They had pure hearts behind clear blue eyes,
And they had imaginative dreams stored in clear minds.

The one little girl would stumble,
And the other little girl would support her.
The one little girl would lose her way,
And the other little girl would open her eyes.
The one little girl would cry a tear,
And the other little girl would wipe it away.

The two little girls shared their dreams,
And confronted their fears.
They comforted each other in times of despair,
And they were the best of friends.

One day, the one little girl found her dreams to be crumbling,
And she looked to the other for support,
But the other little girl had turned into a woman,
And dreams were empty hopes to her.

The one little girl could no longer see the right path,
And she asked for assurance in what was right,
But the other little girl had become a woman,
And her footpath was paved with eggshells and glass.

The one little girl cried a river,
And she reached to the other for a dry shoulder,
But the other little girl had abandoned her childish fears,
And her shoulder was drenched with the sorrow of a woman.
Her arms surrounded the world in the raw,
And justified their careless bloodshed.
She no longer had the strength to spare.

The one little girl still held this woman as her friend,
And she saw the hurt in her clear blue eyes,
And she did not understand.

The one little girl offered her love to her friend, who was now a woman,
But her friend needed more than she could get.
The one little girl saw that her friend would never be happy,
And she was very much like her friend,
And the one little girl could no longer find a reason to be happy.

Taproot: I

I am seeing tunnel vision in a world thats dark and cold, I cannot believe how much I've changed since the days of old, I know it's temporary but I need to focus straight, I cannot believe I lost control of my fate, I need forgiveness from the people I truely care about, I need support behind my back to help me spit it out I am gonna win, I can't afford to blow this one, I hate myself sometimes, I love myself, I need this way of life because it holds me. contradictions the way of life happiness is wealthyness is healthy now I've made it through those lies and deceit, I think whats done is done and I can't complain anymore i am sure, now that I've found myself again it feels great I can't believe I'd lost control of my fate.

************************************************************************************


How can I take control of my fate? How can I direct my life through God and all that is good, and ignore all that is evil? Sometimes it is so hard to decern what is good and what is bad. I guess that's what's so hard about getting older; not everything is 'yes' or 'no' anymore. You have to learn to adapt to having grey, not just black and white. It's so frusturating! I like everything to be clear cut and have straight lines and set bounderies. I like that comfort of being sure.

I have once again been reminded why I don't want kids...

I'm with Cassie (Yea!) and we/she are babysitting at this one place in this one city. They are really not bad kids, but they are crazy! I'm also trying to write a paper, which is totally not working. It's a bad subject anyways. I'm supposed to define a role that I have been in or am in. How stupid is that? go against everything I've been taught and stereotype myself to fit in a box. Arrrggguhhhh! I am going to get a new pair of jeans (actually only one, isn't that weird how we call it a "pair"?) tomorrow or the next day so I can wear them to the concert on Saturday. I'm so excited! I'm also really excited to go to Vierginia. I'm still hoping and praying that my Mom will say yes. I came up with a revelation, actually, not really, I'm not sure if it's true or not, but here goes. Why do I still think about you? Because I can't stop. Because I still love you, even if we have both moved on. Because everytime I do think about you, I realize there is one more piece of my heart that you still have. Because I realize that I may never get all of those pieces back...

Ya, I know you've heard it before...

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful worldas it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things rightif I surrender to His Will;That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with HimForever in the next.Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr