Here
by Paul Monetta

everything extraneous has burned away
this is how burning feels in the fall
of the final year not like leaves in a blue
October but as if the skin were a paper lantern
full of trapped moths beating their fired wings
and yet I can lie on this hill just above you
a foot beside where I will lie myself
soon soon and for all the wrack and blubber
feel still how we were warriors when the
merest morning sun in the garden was a
kingdom after Room 1010 war is not at all
death it turns out war is what little
thing you hold on to refugeed and far from home
oh sweetie will you please forgive me this
that every time I opened a box of anything
Glad Bags One-A-Days KINGSIZE was
the worst I'd think will you still be here
when the box is empty Rog Rog who will
play boy with me now that I bucket with tears
through it all when I'd cling beside you sobbing
you'd shrug it off with the quietest I'm still
here I have your watch in the top drawer
which I don't dare wear yet help me please
the boxes grocery home day after day
the junk that keeps men spotless but it doesn't
matter now how long they last or I
the day has taken you with it all
there is now is burning dark the only green
is up by the grave and this little thing
of telling the hill I'm here oh I'm here

I know that you are going to judge me. I would too, if I were you and you were me. But I am here now. Not where I want to be, but it's too late now. One bad decision does not justify another, and I want to make the right decisions from here on out. I will not take the easy way out just to cover up and make my life seem seamless. I will face my mistakes and not be ashamed.
Not matter what you say.
Because your words will not hurt me.
I have people who will support me, and even if I didn't, I have a God who has not abandoned me, and who never will. I pray that I can be a better person and not abandon Him.
This may not be the life I planned for, but I will make the best of it now.
I want this now, and I will do whatever it takes. Whatever I have to do. If it's just me, then that's all I will have to lean on and I will have to accept that.
Your words will not hurt me. I will not let you break me.

"with God as my witness, I will never be hungry again"