Taproot: I

I am seeing tunnel vision in a world thats dark and cold, I cannot believe how much I've changed since the days of old, I know it's temporary but I need to focus straight, I cannot believe I lost control of my fate, I need forgiveness from the people I truely care about, I need support behind my back to help me spit it out I am gonna win, I can't afford to blow this one, I hate myself sometimes, I love myself, I need this way of life because it holds me. contradictions the way of life happiness is wealthyness is healthy now I've made it through those lies and deceit, I think whats done is done and I can't complain anymore i am sure, now that I've found myself again it feels great I can't believe I'd lost control of my fate.

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How can I take control of my fate? How can I direct my life through God and all that is good, and ignore all that is evil? Sometimes it is so hard to decern what is good and what is bad. I guess that's what's so hard about getting older; not everything is 'yes' or 'no' anymore. You have to learn to adapt to having grey, not just black and white. It's so frusturating! I like everything to be clear cut and have straight lines and set bounderies. I like that comfort of being sure.

I have once again been reminded why I don't want kids...

I'm with Cassie (Yea!) and we/she are babysitting at this one place in this one city. They are really not bad kids, but they are crazy! I'm also trying to write a paper, which is totally not working. It's a bad subject anyways. I'm supposed to define a role that I have been in or am in. How stupid is that? go against everything I've been taught and stereotype myself to fit in a box. Arrrggguhhhh! I am going to get a new pair of jeans (actually only one, isn't that weird how we call it a "pair"?) tomorrow or the next day so I can wear them to the concert on Saturday. I'm so excited! I'm also really excited to go to Vierginia. I'm still hoping and praying that my Mom will say yes. I came up with a revelation, actually, not really, I'm not sure if it's true or not, but here goes. Why do I still think about you? Because I can't stop. Because I still love you, even if we have both moved on. Because everytime I do think about you, I realize there is one more piece of my heart that you still have. Because I realize that I may never get all of those pieces back...

Ya, I know you've heard it before...

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful worldas it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things rightif I surrender to His Will;That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with HimForever in the next.Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr

largest volume airports (as far as human traffic)

1. Atlanta (Hartsfield-Jackson) ---- 83,578,906
2. Chicago (O'Hare) ---- 75,373,888
3. London (Heathrow) ---- 67,343,960
4. Tokyo (Haneda) ---- 62,320,968
5. Los Angeles International ---- 60,710,830
6. Dallas-Forth Worth International ---- 59,412,217
7. Frankfurt International ---- 51,098,271
8. Paris (Charles De Gaulle) ---- 50,860,561
9. Amsterdam (Schiphol) ---- 42,541,180
10.Denver International ---- 42,393,693
11.Las Vegas (McCarran) ---- 43,436,571
12. Phoenix (Sky Harbor) ---- 39,493,519

Do you ever scream for help, have it offered to you, deny needing it, refuse it, and then cry because you REALLY need help? It really only makes you angry, sad, frustrated, depressed and leaves everyone else with the same feelings and wanting to stay a long way away from you for a very long time. Speaking of long, check out my awesome run-on sentences. I really don't see a problem with them, but my english teacher does, and I get little "r.o." marks scattered all over the papers of mine that I thought were really quite good. Thursday, though, I will be able to crawl, kicking and screaming, to Metro. I really hate that I can not enjoy a plane flight. The thought of flying actually is appealing to me, but I have this annoying sickness that gets in the way of me having any fun. I wonder if they give complementary beer to sexy-ass girls with a sweet smile and a fifty. Depends on the guy I guess. By the way, if you are an Armenian waiter at Andiamo in Rochester; you have a voice like warm dark chocolate, which I can't get enough of. Can I pay you to talk to me? I'll tape it so I can listen to it in my sleep and in math class and when angry library patrons are yelling at me and I guarantee I'll be a happier person. Just name your price. I can't give any sort of commitment, though. I'm allergic to that. But I have lost all sense of self worth and self esteem. I have no regrets about going to school with no makeup in the same hoodie and jeans for weeks. Forget the smile too, that left when it heard my heart was taking residency elsewhere. Neither has written in a while. I think I've lost their address, and I don't know if they will ever come back to me. I'm not sure if I want my heart back, I think I should wait until I'm wise enough not to wear it on my sleeve or give it away to the first bidder. Does one ever learn this? I would like my smile, for I was just learning how to wear it. It was a little big for me to be comfortable with, but it spread happiness, and I think other people liked that, especially the guys. I don't think I know what a hot guy looks like anymore. They all disgust me and repel me with the scrolling "liar...promise breaker...user...Counterfeit..." on their foreheads. I seemed to have lost the want to flirt with such creatures. Maybe some of those Scottish blokes will woo me. I think I'll stay away from the Brits, but I could go for a Scot. Must have sexy voice, since most interaction will be via telephone. Or maybe I'll just erase that thought... I'd better start on next week's homework, I don't want to be working on it during spring break, that's why it's called BREAK. But wait, there's another meaning to that five-letterer. Time to consult Webster's. Thanks for enduring, you may leave my world now, I think the voices are calling me, they want to know how long I will make them listen to my crying tonight before I let them sleep.

Bleed-Cold

I'm feeling crossed
I take it inside
Burn up the pain
My thoughts are strange
Just like the things
I used to love
Just like the tree that fell
I heard it
If art is still inside
I feel it

I wanna bleed
Show the world all that I have inside
I wanna scream
Let the blood flow that keeps me alive

Take all these strings
They call my veins
Wrap them around
Every fucking thing

Presence of people
Not for me
Well I must remain in tune
Forever
My love is music
I will marry melody

I wanna bleed
Show the world all that I have inside
I wanna scream
Let the blood flow that keeps me alive

Won't you let me take you
For a ride
You can stop the world
Try to change my mind
Won't you let me show you
How it feels
You can stop the world
But you won't change me

I need music
I need music
I need music to set me free
To let me bleed