So, Last week my piano teacher plants a seed in my imagination. I was telling her of a friend of mine who was in a hole in life, and she said to me: "Maybe you're the person that will change their life. Maybe you will be the name they use like a magic wand when they say "if it hadn't been for___ I wouldn't be where I am today." Maybe you can make a difference in this person's life." And now I think...What if? This year has so far gone by without me taking any action of my own. Me. Myself. Who I am. I have not been in control of my life. I have followed, blindly, my friends and other people; what they say is cool and will help me to feel better or get what I want. And so on, and so on.
This is my life dammit!
I can change. I can be the leader of this revolution. I can be the strong one and say "No! I know a better way. This is what I will to do." They may even follow me. Imagine that! They could be happier and go further in their lives because I stood up and took control; took control of my own life and actions and showed them a better way to live. Oh! The possibilities.
So, that would be why I'm sitting on my ass playing Hoyle board games and listening to music illegally copied from a library CD.
Yea me.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Happy Memorial Day everyone!
The bonfire last night was nice. Thanks to my bro for the ambition, thanks to Cassie for coming to be my best friend, thanks to Pendelton for being there and helping us piss off Michael. That was something that was fun-but I don't think I want to do it again.
I am having a hard time dealing with Nate's girlfriend. Not her in particular, but the fact that he has one. Cassie promised she would be single and that lasted all of four months. Peter always has a girl on the waiting list to be his girlfriend. Michael is only after one thing it seems. Pendelton is in love with Cassie, even though he will never have her. Nate has aparently gotten over Rachel enough to go out with another 40 pound slab of jailbait. I really don't know if I want a significant other. Someone to walk up to the bonfire with. A cardboard Captain Jack Sparrow-you know the ones that are set up at Spencer's and stuff-I think that would be perfect. I don't really want to have a boyfriend-and that's the wrong reason to 'get' one anyways-I just want everyone else to be single. It just isn't right. Can't we all just be kids again and all have a good time without worrying about getting to close to someone because so-and-so might beat you up? Can't we all just hug everyone when they leave without wondering if they are thinking about your chest while they are doing so? Damn, we need a friendship revelution. Everyone, do the world a favor; I hereby proclaim June first "I'm Single Day." You all have to be single, even if you're not.
The bonfire last night was nice. Thanks to my bro for the ambition, thanks to Cassie for coming to be my best friend, thanks to Pendelton for being there and helping us piss off Michael. That was something that was fun-but I don't think I want to do it again.
I am having a hard time dealing with Nate's girlfriend. Not her in particular, but the fact that he has one. Cassie promised she would be single and that lasted all of four months. Peter always has a girl on the waiting list to be his girlfriend. Michael is only after one thing it seems. Pendelton is in love with Cassie, even though he will never have her. Nate has aparently gotten over Rachel enough to go out with another 40 pound slab of jailbait. I really don't know if I want a significant other. Someone to walk up to the bonfire with. A cardboard Captain Jack Sparrow-you know the ones that are set up at Spencer's and stuff-I think that would be perfect. I don't really want to have a boyfriend-and that's the wrong reason to 'get' one anyways-I just want everyone else to be single. It just isn't right. Can't we all just be kids again and all have a good time without worrying about getting to close to someone because so-and-so might beat you up? Can't we all just hug everyone when they leave without wondering if they are thinking about your chest while they are doing so? Damn, we need a friendship revelution. Everyone, do the world a favor; I hereby proclaim June first "I'm Single Day." You all have to be single, even if you're not.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Well, hello out there to everone!
I am a much happier person today. I am looking at getting a new (previously obsessed over) car. Which shouldn't make me happy because I'll be getting rid of my baby, but I'll get another one someday.
I am at Rochester College with my Mom, which shouldn't make me happy, except that I love colleges and Rochester and shopping, which I have done.
My Mom is trying to set me up with a "nice guy." Thanks Mom. (Blahh!) Someone else might think I want to go out with him, but that is not true. The fact is, I am not going out with anyone for a very long time. Especially Michael.
Tonight is coconut shrimp and peanut chicken night for Pendelton and Cassie and maybe Crackers. I love to cook. And I love to drive. And I love to spend money.
This year continues to be not a good one, hence the questioning by the police and the rumors told about me and my ex trying to ruin my life. And me being very agreeable and ruining it as well.
Yay me.
I need a cigarette.
I am a much happier person today. I am looking at getting a new (previously obsessed over) car. Which shouldn't make me happy because I'll be getting rid of my baby, but I'll get another one someday.
I am at Rochester College with my Mom, which shouldn't make me happy, except that I love colleges and Rochester and shopping, which I have done.
My Mom is trying to set me up with a "nice guy." Thanks Mom. (Blahh!) Someone else might think I want to go out with him, but that is not true. The fact is, I am not going out with anyone for a very long time. Especially Michael.
Tonight is coconut shrimp and peanut chicken night for Pendelton and Cassie and maybe Crackers. I love to cook. And I love to drive. And I love to spend money.
This year continues to be not a good one, hence the questioning by the police and the rumors told about me and my ex trying to ruin my life. And me being very agreeable and ruining it as well.
Yay me.
I need a cigarette.
Monday, May 22, 2006
Everclear: Learning How to Smile
Five miles outside of vegas when we broke down
Threw my keys inside the window and we never looked back
Got all drunk and sloppy on a greyhound bus
We passed out, all them losers they were laughing at us
I will never let them break your heart
No I will never let them break me
We got lost in phoenix, seemed like such a long time
Seven months of livin swimming on those thin white lines
Did some time for sellin acid to the wrong guy
Life just keeps on gettin smaller and we never ask why
Why there is no perfect place, yes I know this is true
Im just learning how to smile
Thats not easy to do
I know there will come a day
When we can leave and just go runnin away
We was broke outside of philly when the storms came
I was working in new jersey, hitchin rides in the rain
You was happy talkin dirty at that phone sex place
Life just keeps on gettin weirder for us every day
You say there is no perfect place, I say I know this is true
We are just learning how to smile
Thats not easy to do
We both live for the day
When we can run away
Oh baby we can leave and run away
Yes we can leave this place and run away
We can leave it all behind like we do every time
Yes we both live for the day
When we can leave and just go runnin away
No I will never let it break your heart
No I will never let it break me
Five miles outside of vegas, five years down the line
We got married in the desert and the sunshine
I cant handle how the hell it happens every day
When you smile and touch my face
You make it all just go away
Yes I know there aint no finish line, I know this never ends
But Im just learning how to fall, climb back up again
I know there is nothing perfect, I know there is nothing new
We are just learning how to live together, me and you
You know I live for the day
When you say baby lets just run away
Oh baby we can leave and run away
Yes we can leave this place and run away
Baby we can leave and run away
We can leave this place and run away
Five miles outside of vegas when we broke down
Threw my keys inside the window and we never looked back
Got all drunk and sloppy on a greyhound bus
We passed out, all them losers they were laughing at us
I will never let them break your heart
No I will never let them break me
We got lost in phoenix, seemed like such a long time
Seven months of livin swimming on those thin white lines
Did some time for sellin acid to the wrong guy
Life just keeps on gettin smaller and we never ask why
Why there is no perfect place, yes I know this is true
Im just learning how to smile
Thats not easy to do
I know there will come a day
When we can leave and just go runnin away
We was broke outside of philly when the storms came
I was working in new jersey, hitchin rides in the rain
You was happy talkin dirty at that phone sex place
Life just keeps on gettin weirder for us every day
You say there is no perfect place, I say I know this is true
We are just learning how to smile
Thats not easy to do
We both live for the day
When we can run away
Oh baby we can leave and run away
Yes we can leave this place and run away
We can leave it all behind like we do every time
Yes we both live for the day
When we can leave and just go runnin away
No I will never let it break your heart
No I will never let it break me
Five miles outside of vegas, five years down the line
We got married in the desert and the sunshine
I cant handle how the hell it happens every day
When you smile and touch my face
You make it all just go away
Yes I know there aint no finish line, I know this never ends
But Im just learning how to fall, climb back up again
I know there is nothing perfect, I know there is nothing new
We are just learning how to live together, me and you
You know I live for the day
When you say baby lets just run away
Oh baby we can leave and run away
Yes we can leave this place and run away
Baby we can leave and run away
We can leave this place and run away
Monday, May 15, 2006
Friday, May 12, 2006
If I stopped loving people, would they stop hurting me? If I just didn't give a fuck anymore. If I could somehow see how hurting me is so much fun, or how it can be so easy. If I hurt everyone back, would I feel better? I've decided that I will stop getting attached to people. It hurts a lot less when they die or change. But that's selfish, because I'm sure I've changed too, and no one can help change. It is also selfish to think that I am the only one who gets hit with shit. I think I would do very well with out 'friends.' I really think I am not the kind of person who needs people. I spent most of my life without friends anyway. If I kept everything inside, would it just go away? I can't tell my friends anyway. To do that I must first trust them and feel like they will care and understand and listen and not smear my blood all over my white face. This is what happens when someone you trust the most breaks that trust. You never want to trust again. I am afraid. This is what happens when someone you love the most, or everyone you love the most, rejects you. Your love is wasted and I don't want to give it away again. I'm scared. Can't you hear me? Is this the voice of everyone? Am I no different than every Hollywood starlet, every Beecher boy, every convicted murderer, every peace protester and soldier, every grey old lady who prays for the poor souls in purgatory, every angel? Am I being selfish to ask for what I can't truly deserve? Am I hurting everyone else in the process of being selfish? If so, hurting others is surely not enjoyable. Please tell me who I can be mad at. Please tell me who I can talk to. Please tell me who I can trust. Please tell me who I can love. Please tell me I can love. Please. Please.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Saturday, May 06, 2006
Hi all. Whazzup? Remember when that whole "what's up" thing was so huge? I really find it annoying now, but I still find myself saying it. Has anybody ever heard the word "famed" before? I swear It's a word, but my english teacher was confused. Poor Wendy. I'll miss her. She was so....peppy. School is over until August now for me. Welcome summer. Summer of work and spending money and riding around in my car with the sunroof open and the heartbeat of my soul pounding through my head. And reading too. Ishmael by Daniel Quinn is on my list next. Oh, yeah, I went to Virginia! It's so freaking weird on base, like another world, a micro-world that's made to look real, but just doesn't quite cut it. I feel sorry for you Nate honey. Did you tell drill sergeant whatshisname that I want his car? I wouldn't be able to give up my baby though. That reminds me that I need to make the list of fifteen cars that I'm going to have when I'm a big rock star. (stop laughing damit!) What the hell is on Peanut's butt that would label me a potential terroist? Sorry: inside joke. Speaking of inside- ok this NOT what I was thinking- a certain person thinks I screwed another certain person which only says that the first certain person does not know me that well and if he thinks that he is getting some ass too he is totally wrong because I just don't do that. Got it? I thought it was hilarious. We should spread rumors about people more often, cause it confuses people and then they flip out and you can be all "oops. joke. got it? funny. laugh!" Dert-d-dir! I gotta go. I'm making coconut shrimp for dinner tonight. If the guys don't like it, too bad. More for me and Moma. When I move out I will make shrimp and chicken and quiche and spicy chipotle brownies and peanut chicken and pesto pasta salad. Mmmmmm! I want a bright kitchen with a lot of counter space and French doors that open onto a deck. Maybe not the deck. Funny thing is, I would be a first class domestic goddess. I could do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, decorating, gardening, maybe even the sewing. But I really don't think that that is the life I'll want in the end. I'm not ready to stop being an intellectual and influential human being, and I haven't even really started. I want to go through veterinary school and then work for a drug giant and find a vaccine for stupidity. (Foolish dreams) I wish I could take the easy road because it would be...well...easy. I could make some guy really happy. But I'm just selfish like that and I don't want to be boring. I guess I'd better stop ordering boring as hell salads then... See you in Sa-na-ta-An-na. How.
Bleeding
Each drip a word,
Previously undiscovered.
This is my blood,
Poured out on this page.
Brilliant red and
Useless to you.
Touch it while it is wet and
It will conform to your fingerprint.
Soon it will clot and
Be a blob of nothingness.
Repulsive and shapeless.
This is my blood,
Poured out on this page for
All to see.
Each drip a word,
Previously undiscovered.
This is my blood,
Poured out on this page.
Brilliant red and
Useless to you.
Touch it while it is wet and
It will conform to your fingerprint.
Soon it will clot and
Be a blob of nothingness.
Repulsive and shapeless.
This is my blood,
Poured out on this page for
All to see.
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