My finger hurts. My right hip hurts. My left thigh hurts. My head hurts. My feet hurt. My lips hurt. My arm hurts. My back hurts.

But most of all, my heart hurts. What joy it would bring to have a free and happy heart. What joy to be free of guilt. To spread my wings and breathe in the air of real happiness. I have this picture in my mind, but the throbbing pain in my body drives me to distraction.

I really don't care to be happy if it requires that I leave my friends behind. They need me. And the calm saddness of the familiar is so much easier to fall asleep with than the thought of leaving someone -anyone- behind to rot in the wasteland alone.

I wish someone could convince me otherwise.

I wish someone could make me believe -not just tell me- that life is worth living.