Thursday, June 29, 2006
This is for you.
This is for all the underprivileged.
For anyone who has not been appreciated today,
No matter how much you put in.
You are not forgotten.
No,
It is not I who remembers you.
There is one greater than anything
And anyone.
He is greater than you,
....Yet He would give up his everything to save you.
He remembers you today.
He appreciates you today.
He listens to your every thought,
Word,
Plea.
He loves you.
Without having to say it;
God bless you.
This is for all the underprivileged.
For anyone who has not been appreciated today,
No matter how much you put in.
You are not forgotten.
No,
It is not I who remembers you.
There is one greater than anything
And anyone.
He is greater than you,
....Yet He would give up his everything to save you.
He remembers you today.
He appreciates you today.
He listens to your every thought,
Word,
Plea.
He loves you.
Without having to say it;
God bless you.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
The sunset.
The waves.
The sand.
The stones.
The shells.
The driftwood.
The sailboats.
Even the breeze.
A painter can paint these things.
But can I,
Only a writer of my own enjoyment,
Can I paint these feelings,
These things,
With words?
The waves.
The sand.
The stones.
The shells.
The driftwood.
The sailboats.
Even the breeze.
A painter can paint these things.
But can I,
Only a writer of my own enjoyment,
Can I paint these feelings,
These things,
With words?
I now know that there is one thing I can not paint with my words.
It is the lone figure who sits on the sand,
who walks in the waves, and
who lives of the sunset.
This, no one can do,
for no mind,
whether of a painter of a writer,
can do another justice.
*Rough Draft*
Lieing in this oval space,
Somewhat too small, but
Somehow just right.
A tingling line,
Level but wavering,
Encircles my body.
The surface drawing this line.
Below, is part of me,
Submerged in the pressing mass.
Above is reality,
And the part of me which rises to the top.
But here is my favorite part:
My toes grasp the lever
As best they can.
My soothed muscles sink their
Weight down.
Silent.
Subtle.
Sublimely,
The water of my bath escapes me.
Down the drain as my toes
Bid it farewell.
*I have re-discovered the enjoyment of a bath. I will submerge myself more often*
Lieing in this oval space,
Somewhat too small, but
Somehow just right.
A tingling line,
Level but wavering,
Encircles my body.
The surface drawing this line.
Below, is part of me,
Submerged in the pressing mass.
Above is reality,
And the part of me which rises to the top.
But here is my favorite part:
My toes grasp the lever
As best they can.
My soothed muscles sink their
Weight down.
Silent.
Subtle.
Sublimely,
The water of my bath escapes me.
Down the drain as my toes
Bid it farewell.
*I have re-discovered the enjoyment of a bath. I will submerge myself more often*
Monday, June 19, 2006
Sunday, June 18, 2006
What does a girl do when she has lost her best friend? All her friends?
For three years she's been there. I'm not quite certain of when I lost who she was. But now she is completely gone from my life, it seems. Just 15 miles away. I could drive there in that many minutes, but I can't. I can't go back and live that life; buy into that pain. I can't be the backbone or the strength for the two of us. Lost, bruised, broken hearts can not lean on each other. I really don't have that strength, not the strength to change both of us.
But what do I do in the meantime?
Make myself throw up, not eat for 48 hours, eat a pint of (really bad) ice cream.
Call my parents and my brother, let the line hang with nothing to say.
Refuse a hug, a touch, a kiss. Crave one immensely.
Get a therapist.
Above all: Cry.
Sob.
Choke on my tears.
Weep behind swollen eyes.
For three years she's been there. I'm not quite certain of when I lost who she was. But now she is completely gone from my life, it seems. Just 15 miles away. I could drive there in that many minutes, but I can't. I can't go back and live that life; buy into that pain. I can't be the backbone or the strength for the two of us. Lost, bruised, broken hearts can not lean on each other. I really don't have that strength, not the strength to change both of us.
But what do I do in the meantime?
Make myself throw up, not eat for 48 hours, eat a pint of (really bad) ice cream.
Call my parents and my brother, let the line hang with nothing to say.
Refuse a hug, a touch, a kiss. Crave one immensely.
Get a therapist.
Above all: Cry.
Sob.
Choke on my tears.
Weep behind swollen eyes.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
I wish.
I wish with a thousand words
And with tears like rain.
I wish.
I wish in vain.
I break.
I break because of those whom I love
And in the hands of my friend.
I break,
But I do not bend.
I dream.
I once dreamed,
I think,
But I don't remember.
I drink.
I drink to my sorrow.
Sober-I can not release this pain
These dreams and
Wishes.
And so I break and drink.
I wish with a thousand words
And with tears like rain.
I wish.
I wish in vain.
I break.
I break because of those whom I love
And in the hands of my friend.
I break,
But I do not bend.
I dream.
I once dreamed,
I think,
But I don't remember.
I drink.
I drink to my sorrow.
Sober-I can not release this pain
These dreams and
Wishes.
And so I break and drink.
She loves him dearly,
She loves him deeply.
She loves him truly,
She loves him surely.
Could I love him the same?
She loved him first,
He'll love her always.
She'll leave him soon,
He'll run to me.
He'll see her in me,
He'll love that part of me.
I'll give him what she never did,
He'll love her more.
She builds him up,
She tears him down.
I'll catch him falling,
He'll pull me down.
She loves him deeply.
She loves him truly,
She loves him surely.
Could I love him the same?
She loved him first,
He'll love her always.
She'll leave him soon,
He'll run to me.
He'll see her in me,
He'll love that part of me.
I'll give him what she never did,
He'll love her more.
She builds him up,
She tears him down.
I'll catch him falling,
He'll pull me down.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Dr. Dre featuring Xzibit: What's the Difference
"What's the difference between me and you? About 5 bank accounts, 3 ounces and 2 vehicles"
What is the difference between me and you? Are we-all of us humans-really that different from each other? Do these differences group in material things like bank accounts and vehicles? This could in turn affect how we live out lives. Would we all be so freaking, boring, plain-old-the-same if everyone had the same amount of concrete possesions?
Or do our differences come from who we are inside? So-and-so is the most faithful of the guys I know, but whats-his-name knows what respect is. Is who we are so important? Can we control who we are?
"What's the difference between me and you? About 5 bank accounts, 3 ounces and 2 vehicles"
What is the difference between me and you? Are we-all of us humans-really that different from each other? Do these differences group in material things like bank accounts and vehicles? This could in turn affect how we live out lives. Would we all be so freaking, boring, plain-old-the-same if everyone had the same amount of concrete possesions?
Or do our differences come from who we are inside? So-and-so is the most faithful of the guys I know, but whats-his-name knows what respect is. Is who we are so important? Can we control who we are?
Thursday, June 01, 2006
I've done it.
I've walked away and said
"You disapoint me."
Because you do.
Every ounce of hope for you
Is gone.
It has been bled out of me by
The love of others
or
The rejection by you.
I'm not sure which.
But you are gone.
"You disapoint me."
I no longer love you.
I no longer care about you.
You are gone
And this is my last good-bye.
My life is rid of you.
Don't bother to turn and face me.
I wouldn't know who you are.
"You fucking disapoint me."
I've walked away and said
"You disapoint me."
Because you do.
Every ounce of hope for you
Is gone.
It has been bled out of me by
The love of others
or
The rejection by you.
I'm not sure which.
But you are gone.
"You disapoint me."
I no longer love you.
I no longer care about you.
You are gone
And this is my last good-bye.
My life is rid of you.
Don't bother to turn and face me.
I wouldn't know who you are.
"You fucking disapoint me."
'Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars
And live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat
And we'll hang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's
Gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny
With her bleach blond hair
And live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat
And we'll hang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's
Gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny
With her bleach blond hair
- 2006 Bugatti Veyron 16.4
- 2005 Saleen S7 Twin Turbo
- 2006 Ford GT
- Lamborghini Muira (concept)
- 2006 Dodge Magnum SRT 8 in Black
- 2006 BMW M3 coupe
- 1993 Mustang Cobra hardtop in Red
- 2003 Supercharged Mustang Cobra hardtop in Gunmetal Grey
- 2006 Ford Puma
- 2004 Mercury Marauder in Black
- 1966 Shelby AC Cobra in Blue with White racing stripes
- 2006 Porche Carrera GT
- Toyota Alessandro Volta (concept)
- 1998 Mustang GT convertable in triple Black
- 1997 Ford Taurus SHO in Ebony (got it: my baby)
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
So, Last week my piano teacher plants a seed in my imagination. I was telling her of a friend of mine who was in a hole in life, and she said to me: "Maybe you're the person that will change their life. Maybe you will be the name they use like a magic wand when they say "if it hadn't been for___ I wouldn't be where I am today." Maybe you can make a difference in this person's life." And now I think...What if? This year has so far gone by without me taking any action of my own. Me. Myself. Who I am. I have not been in control of my life. I have followed, blindly, my friends and other people; what they say is cool and will help me to feel better or get what I want. And so on, and so on.
This is my life dammit!
I can change. I can be the leader of this revolution. I can be the strong one and say "No! I know a better way. This is what I will to do." They may even follow me. Imagine that! They could be happier and go further in their lives because I stood up and took control; took control of my own life and actions and showed them a better way to live. Oh! The possibilities.
So, that would be why I'm sitting on my ass playing Hoyle board games and listening to music illegally copied from a library CD.
Yea me.
This is my life dammit!
I can change. I can be the leader of this revolution. I can be the strong one and say "No! I know a better way. This is what I will to do." They may even follow me. Imagine that! They could be happier and go further in their lives because I stood up and took control; took control of my own life and actions and showed them a better way to live. Oh! The possibilities.
So, that would be why I'm sitting on my ass playing Hoyle board games and listening to music illegally copied from a library CD.
Yea me.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Happy Memorial Day everyone!
The bonfire last night was nice. Thanks to my bro for the ambition, thanks to Cassie for coming to be my best friend, thanks to Pendelton for being there and helping us piss off Michael. That was something that was fun-but I don't think I want to do it again.
I am having a hard time dealing with Nate's girlfriend. Not her in particular, but the fact that he has one. Cassie promised she would be single and that lasted all of four months. Peter always has a girl on the waiting list to be his girlfriend. Michael is only after one thing it seems. Pendelton is in love with Cassie, even though he will never have her. Nate has aparently gotten over Rachel enough to go out with another 40 pound slab of jailbait. I really don't know if I want a significant other. Someone to walk up to the bonfire with. A cardboard Captain Jack Sparrow-you know the ones that are set up at Spencer's and stuff-I think that would be perfect. I don't really want to have a boyfriend-and that's the wrong reason to 'get' one anyways-I just want everyone else to be single. It just isn't right. Can't we all just be kids again and all have a good time without worrying about getting to close to someone because so-and-so might beat you up? Can't we all just hug everyone when they leave without wondering if they are thinking about your chest while they are doing so? Damn, we need a friendship revelution. Everyone, do the world a favor; I hereby proclaim June first "I'm Single Day." You all have to be single, even if you're not.
The bonfire last night was nice. Thanks to my bro for the ambition, thanks to Cassie for coming to be my best friend, thanks to Pendelton for being there and helping us piss off Michael. That was something that was fun-but I don't think I want to do it again.
I am having a hard time dealing with Nate's girlfriend. Not her in particular, but the fact that he has one. Cassie promised she would be single and that lasted all of four months. Peter always has a girl on the waiting list to be his girlfriend. Michael is only after one thing it seems. Pendelton is in love with Cassie, even though he will never have her. Nate has aparently gotten over Rachel enough to go out with another 40 pound slab of jailbait. I really don't know if I want a significant other. Someone to walk up to the bonfire with. A cardboard Captain Jack Sparrow-you know the ones that are set up at Spencer's and stuff-I think that would be perfect. I don't really want to have a boyfriend-and that's the wrong reason to 'get' one anyways-I just want everyone else to be single. It just isn't right. Can't we all just be kids again and all have a good time without worrying about getting to close to someone because so-and-so might beat you up? Can't we all just hug everyone when they leave without wondering if they are thinking about your chest while they are doing so? Damn, we need a friendship revelution. Everyone, do the world a favor; I hereby proclaim June first "I'm Single Day." You all have to be single, even if you're not.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Well, hello out there to everone!
I am a much happier person today. I am looking at getting a new (previously obsessed over) car. Which shouldn't make me happy because I'll be getting rid of my baby, but I'll get another one someday.
I am at Rochester College with my Mom, which shouldn't make me happy, except that I love colleges and Rochester and shopping, which I have done.
My Mom is trying to set me up with a "nice guy." Thanks Mom. (Blahh!) Someone else might think I want to go out with him, but that is not true. The fact is, I am not going out with anyone for a very long time. Especially Michael.
Tonight is coconut shrimp and peanut chicken night for Pendelton and Cassie and maybe Crackers. I love to cook. And I love to drive. And I love to spend money.
This year continues to be not a good one, hence the questioning by the police and the rumors told about me and my ex trying to ruin my life. And me being very agreeable and ruining it as well.
Yay me.
I need a cigarette.
I am a much happier person today. I am looking at getting a new (previously obsessed over) car. Which shouldn't make me happy because I'll be getting rid of my baby, but I'll get another one someday.
I am at Rochester College with my Mom, which shouldn't make me happy, except that I love colleges and Rochester and shopping, which I have done.
My Mom is trying to set me up with a "nice guy." Thanks Mom. (Blahh!) Someone else might think I want to go out with him, but that is not true. The fact is, I am not going out with anyone for a very long time. Especially Michael.
Tonight is coconut shrimp and peanut chicken night for Pendelton and Cassie and maybe Crackers. I love to cook. And I love to drive. And I love to spend money.
This year continues to be not a good one, hence the questioning by the police and the rumors told about me and my ex trying to ruin my life. And me being very agreeable and ruining it as well.
Yay me.
I need a cigarette.
Monday, May 22, 2006
Everclear: Learning How to Smile
Five miles outside of vegas when we broke down
Threw my keys inside the window and we never looked back
Got all drunk and sloppy on a greyhound bus
We passed out, all them losers they were laughing at us
I will never let them break your heart
No I will never let them break me
We got lost in phoenix, seemed like such a long time
Seven months of livin swimming on those thin white lines
Did some time for sellin acid to the wrong guy
Life just keeps on gettin smaller and we never ask why
Why there is no perfect place, yes I know this is true
Im just learning how to smile
Thats not easy to do
I know there will come a day
When we can leave and just go runnin away
We was broke outside of philly when the storms came
I was working in new jersey, hitchin rides in the rain
You was happy talkin dirty at that phone sex place
Life just keeps on gettin weirder for us every day
You say there is no perfect place, I say I know this is true
We are just learning how to smile
Thats not easy to do
We both live for the day
When we can run away
Oh baby we can leave and run away
Yes we can leave this place and run away
We can leave it all behind like we do every time
Yes we both live for the day
When we can leave and just go runnin away
No I will never let it break your heart
No I will never let it break me
Five miles outside of vegas, five years down the line
We got married in the desert and the sunshine
I cant handle how the hell it happens every day
When you smile and touch my face
You make it all just go away
Yes I know there aint no finish line, I know this never ends
But Im just learning how to fall, climb back up again
I know there is nothing perfect, I know there is nothing new
We are just learning how to live together, me and you
You know I live for the day
When you say baby lets just run away
Oh baby we can leave and run away
Yes we can leave this place and run away
Baby we can leave and run away
We can leave this place and run away
Five miles outside of vegas when we broke down
Threw my keys inside the window and we never looked back
Got all drunk and sloppy on a greyhound bus
We passed out, all them losers they were laughing at us
I will never let them break your heart
No I will never let them break me
We got lost in phoenix, seemed like such a long time
Seven months of livin swimming on those thin white lines
Did some time for sellin acid to the wrong guy
Life just keeps on gettin smaller and we never ask why
Why there is no perfect place, yes I know this is true
Im just learning how to smile
Thats not easy to do
I know there will come a day
When we can leave and just go runnin away
We was broke outside of philly when the storms came
I was working in new jersey, hitchin rides in the rain
You was happy talkin dirty at that phone sex place
Life just keeps on gettin weirder for us every day
You say there is no perfect place, I say I know this is true
We are just learning how to smile
Thats not easy to do
We both live for the day
When we can run away
Oh baby we can leave and run away
Yes we can leave this place and run away
We can leave it all behind like we do every time
Yes we both live for the day
When we can leave and just go runnin away
No I will never let it break your heart
No I will never let it break me
Five miles outside of vegas, five years down the line
We got married in the desert and the sunshine
I cant handle how the hell it happens every day
When you smile and touch my face
You make it all just go away
Yes I know there aint no finish line, I know this never ends
But Im just learning how to fall, climb back up again
I know there is nothing perfect, I know there is nothing new
We are just learning how to live together, me and you
You know I live for the day
When you say baby lets just run away
Oh baby we can leave and run away
Yes we can leave this place and run away
Baby we can leave and run away
We can leave this place and run away
Monday, May 15, 2006
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Friday, May 12, 2006
If I stopped loving people, would they stop hurting me? If I just didn't give a fuck anymore. If I could somehow see how hurting me is so much fun, or how it can be so easy. If I hurt everyone back, would I feel better? I've decided that I will stop getting attached to people. It hurts a lot less when they die or change. But that's selfish, because I'm sure I've changed too, and no one can help change. It is also selfish to think that I am the only one who gets hit with shit. I think I would do very well with out 'friends.' I really think I am not the kind of person who needs people. I spent most of my life without friends anyway. If I kept everything inside, would it just go away? I can't tell my friends anyway. To do that I must first trust them and feel like they will care and understand and listen and not smear my blood all over my white face. This is what happens when someone you trust the most breaks that trust. You never want to trust again. I am afraid. This is what happens when someone you love the most, or everyone you love the most, rejects you. Your love is wasted and I don't want to give it away again. I'm scared. Can't you hear me? Is this the voice of everyone? Am I no different than every Hollywood starlet, every Beecher boy, every convicted murderer, every peace protester and soldier, every grey old lady who prays for the poor souls in purgatory, every angel? Am I being selfish to ask for what I can't truly deserve? Am I hurting everyone else in the process of being selfish? If so, hurting others is surely not enjoyable. Please tell me who I can be mad at. Please tell me who I can talk to. Please tell me who I can trust. Please tell me who I can love. Please tell me I can love. Please. Please.
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